Help Wanted

NOW HIRING: PROFESSIONAL GRANNY CLAMPETT IMPERSONATOR

Due to totally normal and completely unrelated events, we’re accepting applications for an emergency Granny Clampett look-alike.

Compensation

• 💰 Ridiculous sign-on bonus

• 🪙 Paid exclusively in cryptocurrency

• 🤐 NDA thicker than a phone book

Requirements

• Must convincingly resemble Granny Clampett.

• Must be willing to maintain a lifelong vegetarian backstory.

• Must be available immediately.

• Must answer every question with, “Bless your heart.”

Preferred Qualifications

• Experience standing in for people who have suddenly become… unavailable.

• Ability to keep a straight face while the internet invents theories.

• Comfortable pretending everything is perfectly normal.

Please do not ask why this position became available overnight.

The less you know, the better you’ll sleep.

“The show must go on.”